Let's Begin Again

The great domestication experiment has not gone well… But let’s start from the middle.

After my dog died in December, I finally graduated with a B.A. after 15 years in and out of school. In April I quit my job, a terrible job that I hated but needed while I was in school. I have managed to get by since then, but at some point I will need to suck it up and get an adult job. It’s not what I want, but it is what I need.

Add to this that a year ago, almost to the day, the Male Unit in my relationship decided to move into his own place. We are still together, but living separately. It is glorious, but it is also why I needed to get a crappy job in my last semester of school.

I don’t want to work a 9 to 5 job. I never even really wanted to get a degree. I have no idea what I want to do, I only know what I don’t want to do.

I was supposed to start a blog about trying to figure out being a stay-at-home-girlfriend years ago, then it was going to be about living alone again… now it will be about trying to find my place in the world.

I have no idea how this will go, if anyone will read it, or if I will do regular updates. What I do know is that I am not alone. There are so many people out there who are lost, confused, and annoyed at living a life they don’t want to but have no other choice.

I will one day have it all, whatever it is. For now, I have to clean out the spare room in my place for someone who may or may not need it, and then find a job to keep the place because I definitely need it. Here’s hoping it all goes well.

Life Post Puck

On December 9, 2017, I had to put down my beloved dog Puck. He had an autoimmune disease that had been killing him for a few weeks, unseen, but sped up the week of his death. This was an absolutely devastating decision for me, and has re-sparked my depression on a level I have never before experienced. I had no idea how much of my life had been built around this dog in his 6 years of life until he was gone. It has been almost a month, but it feels simultaneously like a day and a lifetime. I still cry randomly because something makes me miss him.

Here he is the night before, the day of, and in the comfort room as we prepare to say goodbye.

       

Puck's passing was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. It makes me feel a little guilty that there has not been a death of any human loved ones that have effected me in this manner. The people who know me best have been helpful through this time, as my bond with Puck seems to have been evident to all, so no one is surprised by the trouble I have had since. I have slowly been coming around to thinking of the good and happy times rather than bawling every time I see his face or hear his name, but am not yet entirely out of this phase.

I bring this up for two main reasons:

1. It is sad. And I am not the only one to go through this sort of reaction to the death of a pet. If you have and you feel bad, know that you are not alone and it is OK to be sad. 

2. It will come up for the rest of my life. Most of my plans for the next 10 years involved, or revolved around, this dog, and him not being here changes everything.

I was told I need a new routine, and that is what I am doing. I decided the new year is the right time. So, I will be better at updating this blog, as well as the art one. This time I am serious, as it will help me deal with life. 

Because, Puck is not the only big news!

I GRADUATED! That's right, after 15 grueling years being in and out of school, I earned a degree. Well, allegedly. I will be more inclined to believe this when I see the actual piece of paper. But, I did get an email about how to start paying off student loans, so... it's probably for real. I walked in the robes and everything. I don't think anyone is more excited than my mother. Graduation was on December 15, so I was still in a grief fog and have yet to really process what this means. One thing for sure: I need a new job. My crummy night and weekend gig will not cut it any longer. I did not work my butt off to so this do the rest of my life. 

In the end, life post Puck will be far different than how I expected to spend my 2018. I had planned on more time with my dog, getting a job that would help me buy a more road trip friendly vehicle to travel with him, and hiking with him. What I got was a year that started with heartbreak. The new goal is to change jobs to something I care about more, hike more, climb at least one 14er, and get more serious about my creative pursuits. 

Happy New Year, and I promise to try and be less morose and get back to my carefree sarcastic self. I hope you have set similarly achievable goals, and may 2018 bring more happiness than 2017.

P.S. - Here are some happy Puck pictures from our last outing to the reservoir together to bring a smile to your face.